Our Obsessions Cause Us More Lonliness

Understanding our personal obsessions is an important aspect of overcoming our personal inability for acceptance. Sometimes, when I am in a dark place, I obsess over things that I can’t control. One second I am pacing around the kitchen looking for the spatula and the next I am overworking my body thinking it is going to make me a better dancer. Today when I was in dance class, I had a real epiphany. I had gotten to dance an hour early and started working on my stretches and crunches. I then did a pro-cheerleader dance class and then stayed for another contemporary class. In the middle of stretching for my contemporary class, something came over me and I felt myself becoming light-headed. “What is going on,” I thought to myself. I calmly and diligently started listening to what my body was telling me.

“I am tired,” I heard my body say. “You’re overworking me and you need to let me cool down,” it repeated back to me.

I typically have a tendency to want to be the best. To want to strive, work and exacerbate myself in order to feel more entitled to my personal ability to showcase my talents. However, I started listening to my body. I stopped doing crunches, and I just laid on the floor to catch my breath. Did I feel shame? Did I feel inadequate? Possibly. However, my body was thankful. I could feel the life-force energy coming back into the tips of my fingers, and I knew that I was doing the right thing.

I feel like there are so many times in our lives when we forget to listen to our bodies and do the right thing. 

Sometimes, my ego disallows me from doing the right thing and I can even be hurtful to others. For a long time, I never quite grasped the concept of hurting others. I think it was because I was living my life from a locus of control that ensured my personal safety and disregarded the personal safety of others. I think that is because, for a long time, I felt that other people were not safe. However, I tend to have an obsessive nature. I tend to obsess about the things that I cannot control a lot and it causes me a great deal of anxiety, worry, and self-destructive behavior. But now I have the ability to stop myself. I have the ability to trust others and see that they might be hurting more. And when I am able to sense their personal pain, hurt and agitation – it allows me to accept them for who they are. Every relationship is essentially a two-way street. No matter what people tell you. If someone is doing something mean to you, then they’re hurting – no, ifs, and’s or buts. It is the truth: hurt people, hurt people. And that is why understanding why hurt people lash out is the first step to staying safe. And what I mean by safe is understanding their words, thoughts and actions do not define who you are. Do not let the pain of another person imprint on you, and do not let the actions of someone who has hurt you allow yourself to feel less about your capability, integrity, and personal resiliency.

We have to accept the choices that people make. We cannot dwell on the past and smoother ourselves with unnecessary pain. Letting go and accepting a person’s choice is the greatest, most noble act of love there is.

Obsessive love is not real love. And your body will tell you. Your body tells you everytime you have anxiety or fear. You can feel it by the rate of your heart, the sweat in your palms or your newly disoriented perception of reality. Every time, we’re obsessing to gain something we have no control over, we’re losing control over ourselves. We’re acting in the opposite of love. We are reacting with fear.



IMG_1194-1.JPGIMG_1195.JPGIMG_1196.JPGpaige swanson


Queen Of The Nile

Queen of the Nile

The Queen Of The Nile

Face round and black as the cat loitering in the ally 
Eyes as dark as the deepening sea
Unscrupulously freezing the mind of the fates eyes
Ferocious and Mighty
Lioness engulfing the skinless body
Puncturing the thick bleeding muscle of its heart
Curse the haunting drum of the jungle’s beat 

Crying out-loud to her pets in the deepening trenches of the wicked forest, The Queen, barks:

“En-thrown the immortal symmetry of my pride stalked sanctification,
Dub my golden-speckled impishness as righteously entrenched with the battering of your vex-less momentary permanence

Maggots and Worms

Spineless you crawl like serpents in the warm, thick and melting juices of my carnivorous canal
I drop stale bread crumbs stained with the forests succubus for you to squander and your flea-pined brains think that I bring you a loaf molded by the iron-working hands of the gods
Bountiful and soft
Blind-less faith has made you tender like the petals that are stained red from the life-less asphyxiated corpses of your fathers
Like sightless un-encased moles searching for the tit of your mother’s breast
Living underneath my unpolished arm pits you dig in the enchanting darkness senseless and comically dying believing you are actually living.

Now chant the wakening song that you have sung for centuries as you walk shackled and manufactured waiting for a flight that will never departure
Thinking your white superiority and your horse-laden chariots were better than the men who lived by the edges of the seas and the center of the waters trails
Who cared for and tended to the land
Who saw warlords hung as monuments on Mesopotamian Isles and warriors were proud to call men
An age where fertility and agility was the jewel in which you sought and the women were the queens of the vast and toppling lands, whose minds and bodies stretched to the peaks of the highest mountains.

But because you have enslaved me
You have poisoned my blood stream
Broken my chastity and expunged my fluidity
Because you have tied your children, both men and women, with the iron chains of selfishness
Your days will be barren, industrial and solemn

And you will chew on my bread-crumbs like the dumb-witted beasts you are and spit will fall from the encrusted crevice of your mouth loosely hanging off the tip of your tilted flesh

Brain-dead and worthless.”

Queen of the

A punishable curse cast before men of all ages
Dawning the empire of soundless pulses
Darkness falls
and black tidings encompass me