Our Obsessions Cause Us More Lonliness

Understanding our personal obsessions is an important aspect of overcoming our personal inability for acceptance. Sometimes, when I am in a dark place, I obsess over things that I can’t control. One second I am pacing around the kitchen looking for the spatula and the next I am overworking my body thinking it is going to make me a better dancer. Today when I was in dance class, I had a real epiphany. I had gotten to dance an hour early and started working on my stretches and crunches. I then did a pro-cheerleader dance class and then stayed for another contemporary class. In the middle of stretching for my contemporary class, something came over me and I felt myself becoming light-headed. “What is going on,” I thought to myself. I calmly and diligently started listening to what my body was telling me.

“I am tired,” I heard my body say. “You’re overworking me and you need to let me cool down,” it repeated back to me.

I typically have a tendency to want to be the best. To want to strive, work and exacerbate myself in order to feel more entitled to my personal ability to showcase my talents. However, I started listening to my body. I stopped doing crunches, and I just laid on the floor to catch my breath. Did I feel shame? Did I feel inadequate? Possibly. However, my body was thankful. I could feel the life-force energy coming back into the tips of my fingers, and I knew that I was doing the right thing.

I feel like there are so many times in our lives when we forget to listen to our bodies and do the right thing. 

Sometimes, my ego disallows me from doing the right thing and I can even be hurtful to others. For a long time, I never quite grasped the concept of hurting others. I think it was because I was living my life from a locus of control that ensured my personal safety and disregarded the personal safety of others. I think that is because, for a long time, I felt that other people were not safe. However, I tend to have an obsessive nature. I tend to obsess about the things that I cannot control a lot and it causes me a great deal of anxiety, worry, and self-destructive behavior. But now I have the ability to stop myself. I have the ability to trust others and see that they might be hurting more. And when I am able to sense their personal pain, hurt and agitation – it allows me to accept them for who they are. Every relationship is essentially a two-way street. No matter what people tell you. If someone is doing something mean to you, then they’re hurting – no, ifs, and’s or buts. It is the truth: hurt people, hurt people. And that is why understanding why hurt people lash out is the first step to staying safe. And what I mean by safe is understanding their words, thoughts and actions do not define who you are. Do not let the pain of another person imprint on you, and do not let the actions of someone who has hurt you allow yourself to feel less about your capability, integrity, and personal resiliency.

We have to accept the choices that people make. We cannot dwell on the past and smoother ourselves with unnecessary pain. Letting go and accepting a person’s choice is the greatest, most noble act of love there is.

Obsessive love is not real love. And your body will tell you. Your body tells you everytime you have anxiety or fear. You can feel it by the rate of your heart, the sweat in your palms or your newly disoriented perception of reality. Every time, we’re obsessing to gain something we have no control over, we’re losing control over ourselves. We’re acting in the opposite of love. We are reacting with fear.

 

 

IMG_1194-1.JPGIMG_1195.JPGIMG_1196.JPGpaige swanson

 

Raise Your Vibration – Why Kindness Matters

I hate to think about the world in terms of hippy maxims or quantifiers like “you’re killing my vibe, man” or “whoa dude where did that energy come from.” However lately, I have really been thinking long and hard about a relative truth hippies get right. Your vibe is everything.

Here is why.

What is a Vibration?

Your vibration is essentially your thoughts.

What do I mean by this?

In the recent studies by positive psychologists, they find that thought patterns predict whether or not an individual feels happiness. This is not only a phenomenon brought on by positive psychologists but behavioral and cognitive psychologists as well. In cognitive psychology, we learn that our thoughts essentially dictate and control our behavior. When we think low vibrating or low unconscious thoughts, we begin to externalize those feelings, thoughts, and emotions in our behavior.

Let me give you an example of this: 

  • Have you ever been so stressed at work that you feel like the world is crumbling down around you?
  • Have you ever had an inter-personal conflict with your wife, daughter or other family members where you feel like a victim?
  • Have you ever unconsciously lashed out at an individual, pointed fingers or blamed them?

If you checked yes to all of these questions, don’t feel bad that is completely natural and normal. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. In fact, I have recently been in situations where I was doing all of these at the same time. Trust me, it wasn’t good for my mental health. And as a psychologist-in-training, I knew something needed to change. If you’re having an inter-personal conflict with someone who is abusive, the best thing you can do is to remove yourself from the situation and work on making yourself happy.

However, in order to understand this happiness, you need to RAISE YOUR VIBRATION! 

What I am saying here is don’t get stuck in a victim mentally just because you have felt victimized. Even though you can’t always love people up close, that doesn’t mean you should stop your thoughts and start thinking negatively. The more we think negatively about people in our lives, the more we blame and hate and point fingers – the less happy we are.

Have you ever felt what it feels like to love? It is the most magnificent, wonderful feeling in the world. And we can still choose love every time. When we are stuck in our negative thought loops, we start discounting all of the beauty and life there is in the world. We also start turning that hatred towards others inward on ourselves. When we can’t blame other people for the negativity, we blame ourselves and we keep perpetuating the cycle of hate and doom.

But we can choose to be happy. We can choose to express, feel and always have unconditional positive regard for everyone we meet. We can appreciate all individuals are beautiful, lovely beings of light who have their own struggles and their own life experiences that make them who they are.

Remembering, that you are not a victim and that you have enough self-love to remove yourself from toxic situations is no one’s fault. The only thing you can control is yourself and what you experience in every moment. You cannot change other people, you cannot make other people happy and you cannot blame yourself if other people don’t understand your situation.
But you can choose kindness, happiness, and love in every moment.

  • Do you have an ex you still hate?
  • Do you have a frenemy who you think toxic, mean thoughts about?

I encourage you to sit down and send them love today. Whoever you hate, send them love at every moment and you feel the shift in your happiness. You will feel the stress dissipate and the negativity evaporate.

How Saving Our Inner Child Can be the First Step to Healing

I remember the day I fully became human, on that day,  I realized I was no longer a child. For, being a child is unlike being an adult in every way. I think it was a slow progression really; the day I stopped being a child. However, it wasn’t really something I ever noticed. It was comparably like hair that grows. Every 3 to 6 months, my childhood would  slowly escape me but I couldn’t feel it. And everyday went on like the same day just in different ways.

Can you really lose childhood like a jewel lost in the night? All those long childhood afternoons spent in wondrous splendor vanished so completely – and why?Photo on 3-19-16 at 12.13 PM

The truth is we never stop being children, for it is the innocent child in us that is an authentic representation of who we really are. To lose yourself, in its entirety, is to stop loving the child within and to compromise valuable parts of who we are for the intrinsic desire to belong. Living from a place of worthiness and compassion is being in touch with the child that once stared at the sky in wonder and awe. That crouched barefoot in the mud and dug up worms and millipedes asking the simple questions over and over again: what can this be? Youth is not a sliver of time that is compounded into our physical beings, yet it feels that way. The world tells you to grow up and get a job, to work hard like your parents and to make it in the American dream. While little by little you face the saddening consequences of forgetting you were born a child, you are a child and you will always remain a child. We try to mask our hearts like they cannot tell we love them and all the while we’re compromising, everyday, who we are. It is this slow forgetful process that causes us to feel pain, to hate and to create vengeance and anger in this world. It is why we become open wounds waiting and hoping for someone to love us again. And through each new wound that emerges we hide away- we numb, we eat and we try to forget the slow blood thinning pain.

As we get older, unfortunately, every time we’re in touch with the experience of suffering, we unconsciously believe we can’t bear it, and we stuff our feelings and memories deep down into the crevasses of our mind. All the while, your heart and your inner child is pleading and begging you for the attention it deserves: “Hey! she yells, ‘pay attention to me.’ We believe that forgetting the child who was once full of energy and playful spirit will stop the pain of our self-compromise.

It’s time to evolve! It’s time to grow up. I am too busy to take care of this… All the while, the inner child is crying for attention and we continue to run away because we’re scarred of our own suffering.

Slowly we cannot feel and we can hardly see and feel compassion for others, but our inner child is in us and she is saying you need me and I need you. However, it is by rescuing the child within us that we begin to live again. It is by finally seeing and acknowledging our childhood wounds and our own self-compromise that we’re inspired to live more in-tune, authentic lives. By reaching out an acknowledging the hurt inner child, not only do we save ourselves, but we save our relationships, our experiences and friendships.

What does it mean to be a real woman?

What does it mean to be a real woman?

What Makes a Real Woman

“A woman must have thorough knowledge of music, singing, drawing, dancing and the modern languages, to deserve the word; and besides all this, she must possess a certain something in her air and manner of walking, the tone of her voice, her address and her expressions, or the word will be half-deserved.” – Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice

Mr. Darcy, one of America’s infamous literary romancers, seems to convey a simple truth in his estimation of what defines a woman. As he continues to address the powerful, elegance of such mysterious creatures. It is made sincerely aware that a real woman is a breed of her own. So much so, that the very air she breathes is made of a sweet and salty mixture that only those who believe in her can taste its flavor. Where there is a real woman there is magic.

However, in the societal context of the early 1900s’ there could be vast deliberation on the true understanding of what it means to be a woman.It seems that in this passage, the woman, Mr. Darcy, is describing is one who is- put simply- cultured, refined and elegant: in his description draws the illustration of a renaissance woman.

A renaissance woman can be many things. However, what a real woman does that sets her apart from all other women is: she embraces who she is. In today’s day-in-age, because women have grown into strong, desirable and sufficient individuals many possess the fear of losing the love of their male counter-parts. It seems women’s independence has sparked a cultural curse and many women have lost their power and forgotten what it means to be real women: feminine, mysterious, elegant and radiant goddesses.

So, here are the 5 things that make up a real woman:

  1. She has confidence

A real woman has confidence and believes with everything in who she truly is. She is not afraid to show up and be noticed. She doesn’t out of anticipation for what other’s will think of her try and fit in. Instead, a real woman, will naturally belong anywhere because she is comfortable in her own skin. She embraces who she is and trusts her intuition.

2. She inspires others

A real woman is so focused on loving herself that she inspires others to do the same. She is passionate, driven and possesses a fire within her soul that shines brightly on others. She inspires the people around her to be better whether it is through her dedication, patience, smile or humility.

3. She has direction and know-how

A real woman is direction oriented. She isn’t afraid of being herself and will aspire to great heights with our without the approval of others. She is determined, self-motivated and willing to go above and beyond that status-quo.  She devours knowledge and loves learning because it helps her grow. Because of her direction and general sense of well-being, she loves to apply the things she’s learned to her daily life.

4. She is care-free and grateful

Have you ever seen those women who radiate gratitude and peace from their pours? These are the women who are naturally beautiful and have a simple radiance that is indescribable. They just glow. That is because a real woman is care-free, easy-going and always down to embrace what is here and now. She believes in having a life plan, however, she also takes pride in enjoying the simple things in life and being grateful for the opportunities she has been presented with.

5. She is always kind

A real woman is always kind. She excels in feeling others pain and hardship and rejoices in their joys too. She feels the hardships of the world and always responds with generosity and kindness for individuals. In her spare time, when she is not pursuing her passions, she is giving back to her community and helping foster a better world.