Getting rid of my ego is such a struggle because I have a deep innate desire to be special and be seen as someone special. Just like everyone, I want to be liked, loved and even adored but I recognize that the desire for those things are only reflections of deep insecurities I have about myself. By desiring to be special, seen and heard by other people – I am denying myself the opportunity to see myself and others for who they truly are. I have such an ingrained sense of wanting to feel superior. It honestly scares me sometimes… It is so scary, that when I catch myself deep within my ego, I pause, grab the nearest meditation or self-help book and take a deep look at what is happening.
The problem is the ego feeds off of fear. These fears are so deeply ingrained in our behavior since childhood that many times their tenacity seems permanent. These scares develop early on in childhood: Maybe, our fathers didn’t love us enough, we experienced trauma or our mothers abandoned us. The terrible pain we feel when this happens to us in childhood is so deep that it can crack us to our very core. Understanding our “cracks” or “wounds” is an important part of opening up our minds and bodies and experiencing the act of love. However, I know that I feel like this experience is a rollercoaster ride of mistake and acknowledgment of mistake and then mistake. I make so many mistakes, and I hurt people all the time because of my ego. My ego desires to hurt people because it feels like it is a protective mechanism designed to seek out and exploit others so it can feel good about its status or position in life.
However, I register when I am behaving this way. It is the hardest thing to admit to yourself, that you’re hurting other people in your life. And sometimes pain and hurt is an inevitable thing, but I think becoming aware of the ways we can behave that don’t hurt others is so important. Many times, I feel like when I am hurting another person it is because I unconsciously register that they might be hurting me. But that is the ego.
It is all the ego. It is what the ego wants. And I want to truly be like a tree that sits grounded and sturdy in nature desiring to only support the communities and eco-systems of those around it. My desire is to be like the tree and to love others the way the trees love others. Trees are the perfect metaphor for truth in this world. They’re sturdy, reliable, comforting and they feed and take care of themselves all while doing it. Being like the tree to me means not always having to be the prettiest or smartest, but to just be enough so that I can be shade for another person to rest their head under. Being like a tree to me means growing tall and allowing others to share in real authentic love and community. Being like a tree to me means always supporting someone even if they hurt me. Being like a tree to me means being resilient through floods and natural disasters that tear down communities and offering myself up in order to rebuild.